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Caleb was restrained. His anger wasn t the kind that tended to get him into
trouble, the kind he needed a physical outlet to relieve. His was fueled fro
m disbelief and confusion. Two things that never failed to frustrate him. He
wanted to confront me but didn t know how. I could hear it in his tone and
I saw it every time his eyes swept in my direction when he didn t think I d
notice. Part of me wanted to deal with it, say something. Make it easier for
him to assault me with any words he wanted to. But I was also winded, too t
ired to hear it now. Seeing those words on my locker, my space, felt like a
violation. I kept telling myself that it was minor. Nothing more than someon
e stepping on my shoelaces. But it felt personal. I felt attacked, no way to
defend myself. I didn t want to have to defend anything. I didn t want to d
o it against people who were supposed to be my friends, like Caleb. Joe. Whe
n it came to Joe, every once in a while he shoved his knee into the back of
my seat. I don t think I d be overreacting to say it was on purpose. That li
ttle action, kick, shove. It was something he knew I hated. Something he d c
onsciously avoid any other day. Such a little thing. But for me, a huge diff
erence.
Everything felt different. Waking up felt different. Leaving my house felt di
fferent. The anxiety attack that came on every time I drove past the school,
let alone walked into it, was different. Driving to my house with my friends
felt different.
The sound of tires on gravel abruptly stopped as we neared my house, and
as I sat up in my seat I found myself looking up, wondering why we weren
t moving anymore. Finally I looked at Caleb. Want me to get out here?
His brows drew together, his expression mildly perturbed. Your mom s ho
me.
Oh... it s okay.
I saw Caleb turn his head, exchange glances with Joe and Haily, and finall
y he shrugged, finished driving up to my house. I was out of the car first
, not because I was feeling particularly anxious, but more because everyon
e else seemed to be experiencing discomfort that I found to be unexpected,
and maybe a little heartbreaking. They were always welcome. They knew. It
put me on edge, made me wonder if they even wanted to be welcome anymore.
I couldn t remember being so paranoid before. Shaking my head, I led the w
ay to my front door, letting the others come at their own pace. They were
beside me before I opened it, seeming cautious as we moved inside.
Are you sure this is okay? Haily whispered, making me wonder if she d
mistaken my home for a library. I ll be grounded if your mom calls my m
om.
Huh? I frowned at her, noted that behind her Caleb and Joe looked just as
edgy. And then I got it and forced a smile that almost seemed real. No...
it s fine, I insisted. This time, anyway. She ll be fine we re here. I
suddenly found myself regarding them warily. Um... if you guys could... no
t mention what happened at school? She s sort of been worried about me.
Each one of them including Joe, surprisingly, looked somewhat bothered by t
hat, slowly nodded their heads. But then, they d always liked my mom, and i
t mattered a lot that they d still care about her feelings, regardless of h
ow they felt about me. Thank you, I said sincerely, and then turned into
my house, calling for my mom outright. When she didn t initially respond I
headed through the house, noticing that no one bothered to follow me. Inste
ad, all three of them headed directly to my room. At least that seemed normal.
When I reached the kitchen I noticed my mom through the glass windows, rake
in hand as she cleaned up leaves around the house that the snow had finall
y melted off of. I thought about going out there, telling her I was home. I
was already considering several half-true explanations for it. But instead
I silently retreated. She d know we were there eventually. For now I neede
d time with my friends. I needed to sort things out.
Halfway down the stairs I paused, hearing Haily s voice. Apparently they d
started without me.
It s not like he s doing it to piss you off, she was saying, to whom I coul
dn t tell. Trust me, no one s sorrier than I am that we have who we re attra
cted to in common.
There was a groan. Can we not talk about this? Joe wanted to know. It s sti
ll... I just don t want to hear about it.
Then what are you doing here?
He said he wanted to talk to me before school, before all... that. Maybe h
e was going to change his mind. This from Caleb.
What?
Yeah. I don t think so, Haily replied. And what are we going to do ab
out what happened, anyway? We don t even know who did it.
Looked like everyone did it, Joe remarked. I m just glad I m not bringin
g my car to school anymore. Wouldn t want it to end up looking like his loc
ker just because I hang out with him.
I winced at that, feeling horrible. I hadn t considered how this whole thing
might affect them. Hell, I hadn t been prepared for what it was doing to me
. Part of me wanted to keep them as far away from all of it as I could. The
other part wanted to make Joe s pretty face bleed for sounding like such an
asshole.
Are we sure he s not going to change his mind? Caleb asked, still appare
ntly hung up. I shook my head, rolled my eyes. He sounded boggled, not nec
essarily offensive.
Caleb, Haily said impatiently.
Fine, he replied. Whatever. It s just... it s Nelson.
Exactly, she said. So what are we going to do about it? We can t just let
things stay like they are. People need to know the truth.
I forced a cough, not wanting to sneak up on them, but wanting to get down t
here, wanting to know exactly what was happening. It occurred to me, somewhe
re through all the mixed feelings, that we weren t necessarily here to talk
about what I thought we were there to talk about--like, whether or not all o
f us could stay friends. Whether or not I d be accepted. In fact, it occurre
d to me that I d been attacked, and they were all still right there. They ha
dn t left me alone.
Silence erupted as I made my way down the stairs, unsurprisingly. I had to
step past Joe, who was seated on the second to last step and who made a s
how of avoiding my eyes. He didn t look like he was planning to walk into
my room, where Haily had picked up an old sketchbook to pretend she was lo
oking through it, and Caleb had seated himself with his back to the edge o
f my bed, arms crossed and looking bored.
Does anyone want something to drink? I asked.
Haily shook her head and no one else responded. I found myself a little disa
ppointed by that, mostly because I was now standing front and center with al
l of them and wanted an excuse to run away. Instead, I took a breath and dec
ided to look at Caleb, since I was afraid I might get flipped off for lookin
g at Joe. I m sorry about the other day. That s not how I wanted to tell yo
u.
Caleb raised a challenging eyebrow at that. Were you even going to?
I gave his question some honest consideration. I think I would have, when
I was ready.
And when would that ve been?
When I didn t think you were going to look at me the way you are now, I s
aid bluntly.
Caleb couldn t seem to find a good response to that, so he scowled at me ins
tead.
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