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"No," I answered a little too fast. "I'm surprised, I guess. Maybe
disappointed, too. I'm not quite sure what I am. Just to get it straight are
you telling me you want to see other people, or was it your intention to break
things off tonight?"
Jamilla took another sip of her wine. "I wanted to ask you how you felt about
it."
"Right now? Honestly, Jam? I don't think I can continue like we've been. I'm
not even sure of my reasons. I've always been pretty much one person at a
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time. You know me."
"We never made any promises to each other," she said. "I'm just trying to be
honest."
"I know you are. I appreciate it, I really do. Listen, Jamilla, I think I
need to go." I kissed her on the cheek, and then I left. I wanted to be
honest, too. With Jamilla and with myself.
Chapter 54
ILEFT IT ALL BEHIND, everything, and flew up toSeattle for the weekend.
As I drove from the airport toward the Wallingford neighborhood where
Christine and Alex lived, I grappled with the idea of seeing her now. What
other choice did I have?
I brought no presents, no bribes, just as she had done when Alex lived with
me in Washington. Christine was letting me see Alex, and there was no way I
could resist. I wanted to be with him for a while I needed it.
The house was on Sunnyside Avenue North, and I knew the way by now. Christine
and Ali were sitting on the porch steps when I got there. He ran down the walk
to meet me like a little tornado, and I scooped him up. There was always a
fear of finding a different boy than the one I last saw. All that dissolved
the second I had him in my arms.
"Man, you're getting heavy; you're getting so big.Ali."
"I gotta new book," he told me, grinning. "A hungry caterpillar that eats
anything. It pops up. Then iteats you!"
"You can bring your book with you today. We'll read." I gave him another
squeeze and saw Christine watching from a distance, arms folded. Finally, she
smiled and raised one hand in a wave.
"Want some coffee?" she called. "Need some before you two take off?"
I squinted at her, a silent question in the still, fragrant air.
"It's okay with me," she said. "C'mon. I won't bite." Her tone was bright,
probably for my sake as well as Ali's.
"Come on, Daddy." He climbed out of my arms, took my hand. "I'll show you the
way."
So I followed them inside. Was this a good idea? I'd never actually been
inside before. The house was tastefully cluttered. Several Arts and
Crafts style built-ins overflowed with books and some of Christine's art
collection. It was more informal and comfortable-looking than her home outside
D.C. had been.
I was struck by how naturally both of them moved through this space that was
so foreign to me.I don't belong here .
The kitchen was open, very bright, and smelled of rosemary. A small herb
garden thrived on the windowsill.
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Christine set Alex up with a sippy cup of chocolate milk and then put two
mugs of steaming coffee on the table between us.
"Seattle's drug of choice," she said. "I drink way too much of it. I should
switch to decaf in the afternoons or something. Maybe in the mornings," she
added with a laugh.
"It's good. The coffee. Your house looks great, too."
The chitchattiness was striking in its banality, and almost as uncomfortable
as a real conversation might have been right now. I vowed not to ask Christine
about the weather, but this was weird for both of us.
Little Alex slipped off his chair and came back with his new book. He climbed
onto my lap.
"Read. Okay? Careful, it pops up and eats you!"
It made for a good distraction and also put the focus on him, where it was
supposed to be. I opened the cover and began.
" In the light of the moon a little egg lay on a leaf.' "
Alex put his head against my chest, and as I felt my voice reverberate into
him, my heart melted a little. Christine watched while I read. She smiled,
clutching her mug with both hands.What might have been .
A couple of minutes later, Alex had to go to the bathroom, and he asked me to
go with him. "Please, Daddy."
Christine came over and whispered near my ear. "He's having trouble hitting
the toilet bowl with his pee. He's a little embarrassed about it."
"Oh," I said. "Fruit Loops. You have any?"
Fortunately, Christine had a box, and I took it into the bathroom with Alex.
I threw a couple into the bowl. "Here's a cool game," I said. "You have to
put your pee right in the middle of a Fruit Loop."
He tried, and he did pretty good hit the bowl anyway.
I told Christine the trick when we came out, and she smiled and shook her
head. "Fruit Loops. It's a guy thing, right?"
Chapter 55
THE REST OF MY DAY inSeattle was less stressful and a lot more fun. I took
Little Alex to the aquarium, and it was easy, and gratifying, to throw myself
into the time I had with him. He stared wide-eyed at the tropical fish and
made a mess of his chicken fingers and ketchup at lunch afterward. For all I
cared, we could have spent the day in a bus terminal waiting room.
I loved watching him be himself, and also grow up. Every year it got
better.Ali. Like the great one .
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