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"During the muscular contractions B.D. came in. She tried to
make it birth -- either my giving birth or being born. It was not
this at all: it was& some sort of integration which was being
forced on me; perhaps the abundance of the world was being fed
under pressure into my solar plexus so that I could know it first-
hand. I do know that there were tremendous insights about the
nature of the universe and time. The question of the expanding
vs. the contracting universe is a misstating of the problem, as I
perceived it then: there is a breathing out and then a breathing
in&
"During the muscular contractions I didn't want anyone to
touch me. When the LSD experience changed (and I felt it was when
B.D. came in) I started into the world inside the earth -- the
people who live in the center of the earth and don't even know
that they are not up in the air outside -- the carbon people...
The middle of the earth thing began as I remember it with black
oxen and then people painted black (Hindu?) which I had seen in
some illustration but could not remember then or now. They were
Egyptian in character, but black in color. The world inside the
center of the earth was a busy and modern place& but all in
blackness and dark although the people thought they were on top of
the world. I marveled at this and understood it as strange for me
and as something I would not have known or experienced if it had
not been for others& B.D& .began to raggle at me and say that this
was my problem& and I was avoiding it. She was projecting all over
the place and trying to play therapist invalidly&
"When she came at me so fiercely, I stopped to consider what
she said. I said I would go into the drug to see whether she was
right. Then I had& two sequences, both superficial, and neither
belonging to me& In trying to make sense of it, it seems to me to
be fantasies about love by people caught in the encapsulated
relationship: pseudo high adventure and pseudo love. I went into
it fully -- letting the drug take me where it would, and I went
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into it for as long as it seemed to be necessary, and I felt that
that was the truth of it&
& Will and J. were on either side of me holding my hands. I
do know that after they were there whatever was going on fused
them. I didn't do it; it was done& Then I can remember fusing the
others& This one is not clear and I'll need the tape& These details
of the third part of the session I shall have to recapture with
the rehearing of the tape. I know I was very tired after the
session& Anyway, the good of the session was marvelous for me. If
it got screwed by the group, well, that is life. I felt I learned
and certainly they could have too from it. One does all one can -
- on all levels -- for oneself, for others, for the over-all
situation. When there is no more energy, that is all. It is then
time to rest, and whatever is uncompleted for whatever reason,
must be understood in the light of its lack of completion -- not
used as a lever of blame or rejection -- both of which are
meaningless."
(The next is a mescaline session January 12, 1961. Written August
20, 1961)
"I have just finished my report of the mescaline session July
29 for the whole group, and I think that the deck is clear enough
and I am tired enough at this point to write about the mescaline
where Mike (Agron, psychiatrist) brought down mescaline for J. and
for him and for me and we took it at J.'s&
"Mike and I had long had an argument over mescaline; I had
said that all of the drugs served to work well for psychic work;
they each had their individual variations, but in the main were
similar. He felt that mescaline was entirely different -- a more
cosmic experience through nature. He has since begun to change
his mind or opinion closer to mine. But no matter. At the time I
was deeply in love with J& However, I refused to get a divorce and
marry him, for which he was pushing very hard&
"The three of us decided to take the mescaline the day before
the group session& Mike had told us it would take two hours for the
drug; I reminded him of how fast things worked for me, and he said
we should count on an hour then. We took the two capsules (100
mg.) at 10:20 on the Ridge. We were driving home when mine
started to work, and it was just 10:40. Mike wouldn't believe it
when I said I felt it. Then when he saw me have a hot flash he
did, and we went to J.'s as fast as possible. They put me to bed
with a blanket, and I had only a moment of nausea, which passed
very fast& Mike was very sweet as I was going into the drug, but as
it began to take a turn for the problem-oriented, he tried to make
me turn it outside instead and go out of doors. I just couldn't;
it would have violated something in the reaction and in me, and so
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I just stayed and told him I must work. They both went out and
then made jokes about how I was a scab and that they should insist
that I go out&
"I can't remember the imagery well. It seems to me that I
saw a dragon first -- all covered with jewels. So that it was two
sides of what the dragon represents -- the fear and the riches-
fertility. Very quickly the imagery turned into deep emotional
feelings, however, and I began crying deeply and with all of me at
the terrible lack I felt. It was like the psilocybin session when
I cried so hard and desperately and said that they could have the
red and the gold -- the riches of the world -- let them have them,
but to take from me the pain of desire. Anyway, I had been crying
and tried to crawl under the blanket and just let it happen so it
wouldn't bother them. Mike kept trying to pull me out of it, but
J. understood and put his arms around me and just held me& It was
filling something in me which I had been born wanting and which I
had more and more yearned for. It was the coming home& Anyway,
after my crying ceased and the relationship-fulfillment began to
come through, I curled up, and I think they went out& and Mike
showed J. how to relate to the trees and the grass and nature. I
finished up my work by myself, then went out to be with them. I
sat for a while, seeing nature move and the colors, but they were
very engrossed, and mescaline for me is a relationship drug. I
then came inside with A., as they were relating deeply with each
other and nature, and I somehow was in the way and having a
different kind of experience.
"As I sat by A., who had on a blue shirt, jeans, and blue
zoris -- and the blue of the robe I had on and her blue eyes
shadow, she suddenly became the most extraordinary 'Study in
Blue'. I saw as Picasso might have in his blue period. The blue
surged up from my robe through all the blues which surrounded her,
and the planes and the angles all became shades and variations of
blue in an extraordinary complexity and richness. It was one of
my unforgettable drug experiences...
"We were sitting on the couch, and over my right shoulder,
there was the fern from the large jar. I put out my hand and held
it under one of the fern fronds. As I did this, the separate
fronds seemed to curl up and shrink away and die. Tears began to
roll down my face; everything I come close to withers and dies, I
thought. A. asked me as she put her own hand on the fern. She
said that everything she touched withered and died, too. I looked
closely and said that she was quite wrong; as I saw it she brought
things into independence; the fronds stood up and out as though
they had been startled into being themselves. This was extremely
meaningful to us both&
"There isn't much more. As I remember when I went out into
the kitchen with them they were having something to eat and drink,
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and I joined them& I had asked Will to be part of this session; I
think when he refused -- or to come at all -- it was at that point
that I gave way inside and the crying for what he wouldn't do and
what I couldn't have with J. came through& We had to go to a
cocktail party at the Freemans, and I remember the enormous amount
of control I had to exercise to seem entirely normal at the
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