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back. He stared at me, at my bruises, at Callie, and asked where his mama was.
Let s go find her, I said. I ll tell you what happened on the way.
He backed away from me, his pale face tightening just like Kiri s might have. Where s she gone?
Listen to me, son, I said. There ll be time later for you to get all over my butt if you want. But right
now findin your mama s what s important. I waited for you cause I knew you d want to help. So let s
just go now.
Callie eased back behind me as if Brad were hurting her with his stare.
She s rode out, he said. That it?
I said, Yeah.
What d you do?
Bradley, I said. Ten seconds more, and I m gone.
He peered at Callie and me fiercely, trying to see the rotten thing we d done. Hell, I reckon I don t
need no explanation, he said.
-=*=-
I could write volumes about the first days of our ride; nothing much happened during them, but their
emptiness was so profound that emptiness itself became intricate and topical, and the bleakness of the
land, the frozen hardpan with its patches of dead nettles and silverweed, the mesas rising in the distance
like black arks, became a commentary on our own bleakness. The mountains faded into smoky blue
phantoms on the horizon, the sky was alternately bleached and clouded gray. Now and then I d glance at
Callie on my left, Brad on my right. With their dark hair flying in the wind and their grave expressions,
they might have been family, and yet they never spoke a word to the other, just maintained a remorseless
concentration on the way ahead. By day we followed Kiri s sign, taking some hope from the fact that she
wasn t trying to cover her tracks. Nights, we camped in the lee of boulders or a low hill, with wind
ghosting from the dark side of forever, and our cooking fire the only light. Snow fell sometimes, and
although most of it would melt by the time the sun was full up, what had collected in the hoofprints of the
horses would last a while longer, and so in the mornings we would see a ghostly trail of white crescents
leading back in the direction of home.
The first night out I let Brad vent his anger over what had happened, but it wasn t until the second
night that I really talked with him about it. We were sitting watch together by the fire, our rifles beside us,
and Callie was asleep beneath some blankets a few yards away, tucked between two boulders. Despite
Kiri s parting gift of absolution, I took the blame for everything; but he told me that Kiri wouldn t have
said what she had unless she d meant it.
She woulda gone ridin sooner or later, he said. She wanted you to know that. But that don t mean
I forgive you.
Whatever, I said. But I spect you re liable to forgive me fore I forgive myself.
He just sniffed.
I never told you I was perfect, I said. Fact, ain t I always tellin you how easy it is for men and
women to screw each other up without meanin harm to nobody? I thought you understood about all
that.
Understandin ain t forgivin .
That s true enough, I said.
He shifted so that the firelight shined up one side of his face, leaving the other side in inky shadow, as
if his grim expression were being eclipsed. His lips parted, and I thought he was going to say something
else, but he snapped his mouth shut.
What is it? I asked.
Nothin , he said.
Might as well spit it out.
All right. He glared at Callie. She shouldn t oughta be here. I mean if we find mama, she ain t
gonna want to see her with us.
That may be, I said. But Callie s got her own needs, and she needs to be here. Brad made to
speak, but I cut him off. You know damn well if your mama don t wanna be found, we ain t gonna find
her. We all hope we find her, and we re gonna try hard. But if we don t, then it s important for every one
of us that we did try. You may not like Callie, but you can t deny her that.
He gave a reluctant nod, but looked to be struggling over something else.
Don t hold back now, I said.
I thought... He turned away, probably to hide his face; there was a catch in his voice when he spoke
again. I don t understand why... Why you and mama had to... Why you...
I can t tell you why this happened. Shit, I never even could figure out how things got started tween
me and your mama. The two of us together never seemed to make any damn sense. We loved each
other, but I think love was something that came from need, stead of the other way around.
Brad jerked his thumb toward Callie. It make more sense with her?
It might have, bad as that may sound to you. But now... now, I don t know. This all mighta killed it.
Maybe that s how it should be. Anyhow, that ain t nothin we have to deal with this minute.
The wind made a shivery moan down through the rocks, and the flames whipped sideways. Brad
lowered his eyes, scooped up a handful of dust, let it sift through his fingers. Don t guess there s any
more to be said.
I let his words hang.
I keep thinkin bout Mama out there, he said after a bit. I keep seein her like... like this little
black dot in the middle of nowhere. He tossed dust into the fire. Y figure anything lives out here?
Just us, now. I spat into the fire, making the embers sizzle. Maybe a tiger or two what wanders out
to die.
What bout Bad Men?
Why d they want to be way out here? It s more likely they re livin north of Edgeville up in the hills.
Clay told me he d met somebody lived out here.
Well, Clay wasn t no big authority now, was he?
He wasn t no liar, either. He said this fella come in once in a while to buy shells. Never bought
nothin but shells. The fella told him he lived out on the flats with a buncha other men. He wouldn t say
why. He told Clay if he wanted to learn why, he d have to come lookin for em.
He s just havin some fun with Clay.
Clay didn t think so.
Then he was a fool.
Brad gave me a sharp look, and I had the feeling he was seeing me new. He ain t a fool just cause
you say he is.
Naw, I said. There s a hell of a lot more reason than that, and you know it.
He made a noise of displeasure and stared into the flames. I stared at them, too, fixing on the nest of
embers, a hive of living orange jewels shifting bright to dark and back again as they were fanned by the
wind. The glow from the fire carved a bright hollow between the two boulders where Callie was sleeping.
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