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You can have good sex with someone else, Vic. That s usually not a reason to be sad.
I don t want sex with someone else, she said before she could stop herself.
Ah. Well, that s different then.
Victoria pushed her salad plate away with a sharp movement, angry with herself and
with the horrible feeling in her chest that wouldn t go away.
You re afraid.
Yes, she was afraid. She d made a great many sacrifices in her life and she didn t want
to have to make any more. And there would be sacrifices if she wanted to be with Connor
because there always were.
Such as? Giving up a passionless, loveless life?
It s not different, she said forcefully. I can be celibate. After all, she d been celibate
for at least two years before she and Connor had gotten it on. She could do it again.
Anyway, it s not about the sex.
Then what is it about? You want more and he doesn t?
No. I m the one who doesn t want more.
Eleanor gave her a narrow look. Oh, so he does?
Yes. He wants to& try again.
But you don t.
No.
Why not?
A simple question with a not so simple answer. It s complicated.
Eleanor gave a soft laugh. Yeah, it always is. Apparently. But sometimes, it s actually
quite simple. You either love him and want to try and make it work. Or you don t.
No, it wasn t that simple. Eleanor didn t know about Jessica or Connor s father. Didn t
know about the passionless marriage she and Connor had had before. Didn t know about
the passion they d discovered between them. There was too much that was complicated.
Too much that was painful.
Bullshit. She s right and you know it. You either love him and he s worth trying for. Or
you don t and he s not.
Victoria s throat closed, the hollow feeling deepening into an ache. That knowledge of
what she felt for him sitting in the back of her mind. A pull she couldn t deny. The same
kind of pull that dragged at her whenever she thought about her daughter. Longing.
Yearning for something she couldn t have. Something she didn t deserve.
His strength. His sense of fairness, of justice. His passion.
I will fight for you&
No one had ever fought for her. No one had ever believed in her.
Because you ve never been good enough.
She stood all of a sudden, her chair scraping back loudly on the wooden floor. She had
to get out, get away. Somewhere away from the thoughts going round and round in her
head. From the feelings inside her stinging like salt in an open wound.
Sorry, Ell, she said, her voice sounding strange. I have to get back to work. I ll call
you.
As she stalked out of the club, she tried to ignore the look of disappointment on
Eleanor s face. And the sound of Connor s voice resounding in her head. The one that kept
whispering she was running away. Easy for him to say when it was painfully obvious he d
never had a choice about the demons in his past. He d had to fight, for his mother s life
and for his own. Survival at its purest level.
But she d had a choice. And she d always known, deep in her heart, her choice had
been a selfish one. Telling herself adoption was the right thing to do for her daughter,
that it was best for Jessica. When ultimately, all it had been about what was best for her.
She could have fought for her baby. She could have stood up to her parents and
refused to give her up. She could have carved a life out for herself and her child.
And she hadn t. She caved. Because she wanted their approval, their love, more than
she d wanted her daughter.
It was a decision she d hate herself for making forever.
Her PA gave her a meaningful look as she came into the office. You ve got someone to
see you.
Victoria didn t pause. She didn t have an appointment booked, but whoever it was
would get short shrift. She wasn t in any mood to make nice. Thanks, Estelle, she said
as she passed the desk. I ll deal with it.
But as she pushed open the door to her office, her heart just about stopped in her
chest.
Connor was leaning back against her desk, his hands braced on either side of him,
fingers gripping the edge.
It had only been two days since she d walked out of his kitchen, trying to tell herself it
was for the best. Only two short days. Yet as soon as his intense gaze met hers, she felt
the weight of all those hours and minutes and seconds without him pile on top of her,
heavy as eternity.
An absurd impulse gripped her. To fling aside her briefcase and launch herself at him.
But of course she wasn t going to. Any physical contact they d had was over and done
with now. No point in going back.
What are you doing here? She kept her tone cool as she calmly closed the door
behind her. I wasn t expecting you.
You should have. His sharp, perceptive gaze didn t waver. I told you I wasn t going
to let you go.
She took a slow, silent breath, trying to calm the wild beating of her heart. I don t
want you to fight for me. I didn t ask you to fight for me.
I know you didn t. But I m going to all the same. In fact, you would have seen me
again the day you walked out, but I had a few things to do.
Carefully she placed her briefcase down on the meeting table near her desk. She
wanted to keep hold of it to maintain some kind of barrier between them, but again, that
would reveal too much. And she didn t want to give him any more in the way of
ammunition.
What things?
I had to tie up the loose ends of the case I m dealing with now. He shifted against
the desk and she tried not to notice the way the wool of his suit trousers pulled tight
around his powerful thighs, or how the black belt he wore emphasized his lean hips.
Hunger turned over inside her, just as powerful, just as insistent as it had been before.
As if the past few days hadn t done a thing.
You ll never stop wanting him.
What case? she asked, trying to drown out the voice in her head.
A young guy who shot his father. The police are trying to bring a murder charge but
we ve had some evidence turn up that s going to make that impossible. He paused,
staring at her. I ve passed the case on to someone else. In fact, I should never have
taken it on in the first place considering the conflict of interest. But I did because you
were right, it was part of my crusade. His gaze was very direct. I ve been trying to
atone. And I thought I could achieve that by punishing people for their crimes. That s
been the focus of my life ever since I got into law school. That s been the way I dealt
with what happened to Dad. He hesitated. But then you told me something different.
You told me I was only defending myself, protecting my mother. That it was survival. And
you were& Christ, Victoria, you were so damn sure. So damn certain. And I was afraid to
believe you. Because what if you re wrong?
I m not wrong, she said in a thick voice. She couldn t look away from him. There was
something in his face that was different. An intensity that didn t come from anger this
time, but from certainty. Surety.
I know you re not. That s why I ve decided I want to take that chance. He was quiet
but no less certain. I ve decided to believe you. I m not like my father and I don t have to
hide or keep myself locked down. Another pause. Because you weren t afraid of me.
And if you weren t afraid, then there s no reason on earth for me to be.
Such measured, logical words. Making so much sense. And yet they cut her to shreds
because there was a trust implicit in them she was sure she hadn t earned.
She glanced away, blinking away the prick of something that felt suspiciously like tears
behind her eyes. So what does that mean?
I can t change the past. I can t take back what I did. But I m going to stop taking
these prosecution cases and look into doing some pro-bono work for people in need
instead. Do more family law stuff, I think. Domestic violence. Custody issues. I want to
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